I am a 21 year old male going to college in wisconsin. My life is pretty good, but I find it hard to enjoy. Getting right into it// I have been an asshole lately, for reasons I don't even understand, and I have fallen out with a lot of the closest friends that I have. It has been very common lately for me to just completely ignore my phone, no matter who is calling. Well I dont ignore it, I look to see who's calling, and if it's someone that I think is going to want to hang out, I just don't answer. I don't know why, and then 'i usually haven't been calling back. I just don't want to hang out. What I really want to do is sit in my room, smoke marijuana, and play this really old game that I used to be into when it first came out in like 2000, an addicting RPG computer game called Morrowind. I dont know what the draw of this game is, other than that it's a complete escape from reality, which I guess is comforting for me. All my friends like to go downtown as their main source of fun, which is both expensive and often uncomfortable for me. I tend to get self-conscious sometimes when I am drinking. I tend to get self-conscious most of the time when I am smoking. This is why I like to avoid drinking, and instead sit in my room and smoke by myself, which I feel is wrong and I would like to change. I would like to be more social. But I just have such a good time when I know that I have the whole night to myself, and I can just sit in my room, in a house with 4 people, one whom I know pretty well, another who I met this summer and am getting to know better, and 2 others who I don't know very well at all yet. Only one of these people likes to smoke, the one i know the best. However, I tend to get very possessive and selfish, and i think one of the reasons I dont smoke with others often is that I dont want to share my weed with anyone. I am such a bad person. And i think that the marijuana is also developing an anti-social personality disorder for me, which makes life kind of weird.
I smoke most days within an hour of waking up, and then I get ready and go to class, usually taking a hit or two right as i walk out the door. Then i smoke again when i get home from class, then again on the way to work, and then again right after work, and then sporadically for the rest of the night while i attend to my studies or play guitar, while sitting alone in my room. This is the majority of my life. It wasn't always like this. I am a senior in college now, and have been smoking at a similar rate since freshmen year, have always done good, made a good number of close friends, and had very good times being a college stoner for the last few years. I have been losing my passion for drinking though, which makes it difficult to hang out when all my friends want to do is drink. I would just rather just smoke, and not drink at all. I feel cleaner this way. Alcohol makes me feel dirty, i cant quite feel normal until after sleeping. I think i am just weak mentally compared to my friends. I think i found a bad fit, and things were going to pan out the way they did no matter what. I think i think a little bit too much about things, and don't act often enough. I think this blog might help me establish my feelings a little better. This is my first post. Just sayin Hi
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